Category Archives: Video Games

The most awesome ESRB description. Ever.

Brütal Legend

Platform: Xbox 360, PlayStation 3

Rating: Mature

Content descriptors: Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Partial Nudity, Strong Language, Suggestive Themes

Rating summary: This is an action adventure/role-playing game that tells the story of Eddie Riggs, a roadie who is transported to a mythical world of heavy metal rock. Eddie is armed with a guitar and a double-headed axe, which players can use to slash and dismember enemies. Players can also perform “face-melting solos” (literally melting enemies’ faces), meet humanoid creatures dressed like dominatrixes and brandishing whips, and liberate an army of rockers from a life of oppression. Although the storyline is often irreverent and whimsical, the depictions of violence are somewhat intense: Undead humanoids are dismembered with an axe (sometimes in slow-motion); a “Steel-Quilled Blade” causes human enemies to explode into gibs that rain down; machine guns, missile launchers, and sub woofers can be used to kill druids and other fantastical creatures. Eddie can also run over dozens of enemies with his hot rod, resulting in blood effects and more heads and limbs getting chopped off. During the course of the game, characters sometimes engage in suggestive dialogue intended for comedic effect (e.g., “Maybe with all your feedback, you guys could just blow me over the gorge” and “Playtime’s over. Now let’s get back to the orgy”). Players will also encounter “Skull Rakers” clad in bondage gear and amazon-like warriors dressed in leather outfits that partially reveal buttocks and breasts. Strong profanity (e.g., “f*ck,” “sh*t,” and “d*ck”) can be heard in the dialogue.

This just seems…wrong.

Now, ok, I’ll grant you the admission that this isn’t really that big of a deal. There is some pretty serious shit going on in the world nowadays, and this is pretty much the opposite of serious when compared to that stuff. But regardless, I find this a little disturbing and disrespectful:

Kurt Cobain’s likeness will appear in Guitar Hero 5.

While I do disagree with his usage, at least they put that bitchin' Daniel Johnston shirt on him.

While I do disagree with his usage, at least they put that bitchin' Daniel Johnston shirt on him.

I’m no Nirvana freak, and I certainly can’t claim to even be one of those people who identify with the whole “grunge” movement. Sure, I liked the music, but I didn’t like, wear flannels or grow my hair out and “forget” to wash it or anything like that. But even to someone like me, I instantly got a feeling of what can only be described as douche-chills when I read this news.

Why? Well, because this dude straight killed himself, supposedly because he was not cool with the amount of fame he had acquired. I’m pretty sure a dude like that would not be OK with being in a game like this.

This isn’t really the first time GH has gone the slightly distasteful route, to be fair. Jimi Hendrix was featured in the last game, but for some reason him being in the game doesn’t have quite the same amount of “wrongness” as Cobain. Sure, he also basically killed himself, with drugs instead of a shotgun. But he didn’t really seem to be all that “against” the commercialization of his image. In fact, I get the feeling he didn’t really give a shit either way. The fact that Cobain was so outspoken about this sort of thing is what makes his usage in a video game just seem…wrong.

360, you weren’t missed all that much.

In the absense of my beloved 360 I have bene hitting steam games pretty hard, mostly Left 4 Dead and Red Alert 3. Initially I was all kinds of addicted to L4D; it’s just the most hectic fun multiplayer I’ve played in a long time. Sure, most of the time you get really poor teamwork from your fellow survivors, and even the occasional douchebag who tries to make things harder on purpose. And yeah, there are just not enough game modes and maps for online play. But I’ll be damned if any of that really effects my opinion of the game yet, because overall the game is just fun to play. 

Zombies, zombies, and more zombies.

RA3 was one I wasn’t sure I would like, as I really just haven’t RTS games in the past. Just prior to playing this I started playing C&C: Generals – Zero Hour with some buddies, so I guess that was enough of a primer for me to get into RA3. And you know, it’s pretty rad. The units are cool and unique, the infamous videos featuring celebrities are actually funnier than I was expecting,  and there is a fairly lengthy single player campaign that seems to more than justify the relatively cheap price. 

Water combat is usually pretty awesome.

I also picked up Crysis recently, mostly because in the past I’ve just never had a computer able to play the damn game. I currently have a quad-core processor, two video cards, and 4Gb of RAM, and I still can’t play this game smoothly on high/ultra-high settings (for whatever reason, high and ultra-high run pretty much the same, which is only slightly worse than medium). It’s freaking ridiculous, because this game came out two years ago. It has just completely convinced me that this game is designed poorly, because you shouldn’t need to have more horsepower than I have to get this game running the way it should. So, in other words, fuck Crysis. 

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